Saturday, July 30, 2011

Aha! Moment

I had a breakthrough last night when I asked myself why I find it so difficult to surrender in sex. The answer came clearly and immediately, "Because I don't want someone doing things to my body without my permission or against my will.

This is quite understandable, in view of my childhood experiences.

But unconsciousness is the usual route people take in sex, approaching it without awareness of any effect we may be having on the other beyond physical response; treating sex as a purely physical act, rather than an interaction with another soul and psyche through the medium of our bodies; usually entirely ignorant and unaware that sex can be a portal to the infinite, rather than merely a physical experience.

As I said in the previous post, when we use touch to ask for what we want, rather than checking in with the other to make sure they want the same thing, we leave them with basically two choices if they don't want the same thing or if they are not ready: go along with something they really don't want (ewwww) or turn us down, which usually ends up feeling like rejection.

A sexual connection can be a beautiful thing, but only if it honors the whole person, and the fact that we are touching and merging with a whole person, not just another body.

Might it serve you both better to be conscious and sensitive and willing to move slowly enough to allow each other the time and freedom to feel into your own responses and the space to know what you really want?

We can move forward together only when we honor one another's pace.

Monday, July 04, 2011

Love in the Key of Awareness

I am convinced that moving into sexual activity without first engaging the heart and soul of oneself and one’s partner is a recipe for shutting down hearts and relationships.

We can connect with a person’s erogenous zones and arouse desire in a body, but if the heart and soul are not aligned with the body’s desire, what may feel intensely pleasurable to the body may feel unpleasant or even disturbing emotionally.

This conflict, if not explored, may then cause a person to shut down and become guarded to any future activity that may cause the undesirable feelings to recur.

Charging ahead with sexual activity without communicating one’s intentions or discovering what the other wants or if they even wish to participate may be the way it’s done in movies, but where has such behavior gotten us in real life? Shut down, by and large.

It seems to me that many people can only connect through their bodies because their hearts are walled away. This incomplete connection is not deeply satisfying and perpetuates the search for love because we cannot feel it in these circumstances, even though it is always present.

We may begin healing this rift by understanding that another can feel the intent of our touch. Touch that is designed to arouse because we want to “get some” feels predatory. It is “take” energy. Touch that is intended to comfort or to communicate love transmits “give” energy.

There are also disparate vibrations inherent in different forms of attraction. One form of attraction activates need and greed, as revealed in statements such as, “He’s so hot!” and “I’d like to tap that.” This attraction wants to get something from another, based on a feeling that getting that something will fill some deep-seated need or desire.

Another kind of attraction may include sexual desire, but it is primarily based in the heart. It is replete with the energy of giving. It seeks to share and to craft partnerships.

There is nothing “wrong” with either energy, but if two people are not on the same page energetically, and yet try to move forward without exploring and understanding this, the resulting missed connections may engender fear and defensiveness around future attempts at connecting.

A couple of likely outcomes of moving toward sexual activity without a match of energy and intention between parties:
The other may go along with the activity to avoid your displeasure. They may “let” you use their body. I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds this disgusting.
The other may pull away or refuse the connection, usually resulting in one or both parties feeling hurt or shutting down emotionally, because we think the refusal is all about us.

What’s wrong with asking, “Do you want to make love?” And what’s wrong with saying, “No”, if “No” is what we feel? Would any of us really want another to say, “Yes”, when they feel “No”? Really?

And if another says, “No”, and it triggers our fears of rejection or our feelings of being unwanted, this gives us the opportunity to grow, the opportunity to explore with the other or alone, and to discover the barriers to love that we have created within our hearts, and tear them down, if we wish to open ourselves to experience more love.

Can we find the courage to ask another, “Is it that you don’t want to make love with me, or is there some other reason?” Can we find the strength to ask ourselves, “Does the other’s refusal say anything about me, or does it simply make a statement about the other’s wishes?”

Can we find the emotional maturity to use every opportunity to open our hearts, even in the face of fear and vulnerability, and rather than shutting down to protect ourselves, let go of the belief that another has the power to harm us?

Can we evolve to live in continual awareness of love?

I believe that we can, and that we will, and that we are doing so now.