Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bringing It All Together

I’ve mentioned that sexual abuse is part of my history. I learned to armor up pretty early in life because I learned there were people who would be happy to interact with your body who didn’t give a damn about your soul. I learned not to ask for what I needed, because one might ask for a fish and be given a serpent.

I can remember as a young woman how much I enjoyed the attention I could get with my body. I always felt invisible, but whenever I attracted masculine attention, I became aware that I was quite visible.

But I never let it get very far because I knew that men wanted my body. They didn’t want me. That’s why, believe it or not, I would not want to trade places with a Victoria’s Secret model. How would you ever know whether someone wanted you or just your body?

Then I wound up marrying someone who wanted neither. He didn’t want my body, but he didn't want me, either. He wanted someone to fill a role in his life, but he didn’t want me. If you want to mold someone into something other than what they are, you don’t really want them, you want some imaginary ideal of what you would like them to be. Get a Stepford wife (or husband), for God’s sake, and leave the real people alone.

Even though I don’t always feel strong, I know that I managed a 20-year-marriage that didn’t nurture my heart at all without hardening my heart. That’s pretty damn tough. That’s not to say I didn’t protect my heart.

I wound up armoring up and my weight became my gatekeeper. No one would want me strictly for my body anymore. Anyone who really wanted me would have to get past the overweight issue to get to my heart. They would have to want me pretty badly to get past that. But then I didn’t trust anyone to really want me, so even if they were willing to approach the gate, I would find some way to shoot them down.

Here’s the thing, when a body wants another body, it’s all about chemistry. It is all about finding someone who looks like they might be able to bring home the big hunk of meat or make beautiful, strong babies. Even if you have no intention of making babies, when you feel chemistry with someone, that’s what you’re responding to. I’m finding it is completely different when your soul wants another soul. The feeling of attraction may be just as strong, but it is deeper.

Now that I am releasing my emotional armor and working really, really hard to avoid replacing it, I am finding that the excess pounds are coming off as a side effect.

And speaking of work, the really hard work in life is the inner work - bringing my heart and my mind into congruence, and bringing harmony to all aspects of my life - that is hard, hard work. No wonder most people would rather work their fingers to the bone and stay too busy to notice they are living lives of quiet desperation.

Would I change it? Not a chance. I know that the more I allow Source to work in my life, to bring harmony and healing to me, the more I will be empowered to live on purpose. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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